I asked Joseph, “Joseph, how was your week, did you enjoy school?”

Joseph replied in his buoyant voice, “yeeeeeah! I had fun at school dis week.” He went on and on talking about things that kids should be talking about.

Everything seemed fine about his week, until he said, “Hey, you know Fa’i and Tia fought?”

Surprised, I asked, “What happened Joseph?”

I am not going to go into detail about what he said for the sake of privacy of the matter. When we returned home, I had this little bit of information verified by certain family members.

I’m going to save my discretion for the sake of making a point. THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!! Why? Because kids shouldn’t see this. They shouldn’t be in this environment. If something like this happens, for instance a family member gets into a fight, kids shouldn’t be around to experience it!

People, People, People! WAKE UP! We should be focused on raising our kids to be BETTER than us, not to carry on our the same problems we have, or the same bad habits. Be attentive to what your kids are doing! I can’t stress this enough. Kids are smarter than you think they are….they notice things just as us grownups do too! Nurture your kids to be adults WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT! To top everything off, KIDS KNOW! They are more aware of what’s going on than we think. Please don’t be naive to this because this was the case when I was growing up. The adults around me SWORE I was too young to understand…Well, I’m going to set that straight, I very much knew what was going on and the kids of today are NO EXCEPTION. I pray that my younger brother forgets about what he saw on that night and that adults become more aware of the awareness of kids.

God Bless,

Van

Have you ever been in a conflict where you were so convinced that you were right, that you were not willing to compromise for fear of compromising that conviction? Well, I’m in that position right now. I’ve been struggling with a family member who I’ve not spoken to in about 2 1/2 months. I’m so convinced that I’ve spoken nothing but truth in my relationship with this person that it has compromised our relationship. I feel as though I’m having to choose between the “truth” and the relationship.

One of the reasons why I don’t like compromising what I believe to be the truth is that it seems to never turn out right. And if I did so for my own sake, lets say, this person is my main benefactor or support, wouldn’t I be a hypocrite? Maybe that’s a bit strong, but this alternative approach almost seems overly pragmatic to the point of utilitarianism. I’ve always strived to try to be a person of morals and to keep those morals. (even though God knows I’ve failed more than half the time.)

The majority of input I’ve recieved on how to handle this situation has been closest to this philosophy, which causes me to wonder, “Are most of the people I know, including my closest of family members Utilitarianists? Or am I going insane?”

In my culture, it almost seems that Truth is sometimes overridden by a flawed idea of Respect. Maybe that’s the problem. The notion of respect in Samoan culture is nearly synonymous with being submissive to anything the parents say, even to the point of denying your own truth for the sake of “Respect”. I believe otherwise, that you can speak the truth in a “respectful” way, even though it might differ from the opinion of your old folks.

Anyway, I’mma continue this rant later, just needed to get that out my system.

Well, it’s coming close to the 24 hour mark for me without smoking a cigarette. It may not seem long, but when you are an addict yourself, it’s a HUGE accomplishment. I hope to build on this in the coming future. Although, smoking wasn’t all that bad for me, but if I had to match up the benefits with the consequences, the consequences would be much heavier.
The reason why I started smoking in the first place is because I was curious. One thing about me is that MOST of the things the mistakes I’ve made in my life were based on curiosity. Sure, it’s one thing to HEAR BOUT IT but I wanted to EXPERIENCE IT. This is one reason why I don’t have many regrets. I think that the only thing one can do is continue to learn from your mistakes which should make you a better person. Of course, that would mean fight your ego, but EVERYONE has to go through that (If they want to GROW, that is) Curiosity could not have been the reason why I continued to smoke because it wore out. I was no longer curious because I knew what smoking was. So why did I continue? Because I also thought it was cool. Aside, from the TRUTH commercials I would see on TV and from the negativity expressed toward tobacco in the education system, I still found it cool because most other kids were doing it. But doesn’t that phase wear off too? Yes, but at this point I was addicted. It was that much harder for me to quit and I started using SMOKING as an outlet for my problems. All these combined made for a very bad chance at quitting. But with all that, somehow (and I mean that) I was able to humble myself to get help. With the help of my Psychologist, I’ve been able to single out my stress and other reasons why I smoke. Hopefully, this will help me to better communicate with my family and at the same time, better my handling of my problems. Lastly, I hope it helps me to quit because we all know it’s bad for you, but it’s easier said than done. So I’ve got to work on this today. Wish Me Luck! Or Pray for ME! Or I don’t know, Hit me up and encourage me! LOL

I’m currently enjoying a cigarette in my backyard about to go to sleep and I was contemplating on my role in society, in religious words, what God’s Will is for me. A good friend once said, “God’s Will is your Joy!” In other words, God’s Will is something that we enjoy doing. The dilemma for me is that I ENJOY LOTS OF THINGS! But that’s when I think about the quantity and quality of joy I get out of different things. I guess in this case Discernment become synonymous Measurement. If I’m measuring my joy in the different “occupations” in society then I’m discerning.

This “measuring” process is going to be a long one. It’s not an overnight gig, but it is one that will exceed my seminarianhood and if I do decide it’s for me, priesthood as well. I’ve got alot to figure out. I’ve got to dive deep within and at the same time, venture far out into the vast world.

One of the complexities of my discernment is the fact that I wouldn’t mind being in a relationship. I can see myself both as a happy single male, or in relationship with a woman that suits my needs and I, hers. I don’t know, I’mma end that one on that note! LoL

I’ve got alot on my mind tonight, but I think Imma enjoy the cigarette and call it a night, I’m sure that I’ll have plenty of time to figure this ongoing process out. Well, I’m calling it a night. That’s most of the important thoughts on my mind for the night!

We shared about our problems we had throughout the year. I felt soo much more comfortable beingg able to express myself and be myself. That might be the theme for this year for me. BE WHO YOU ARE! I can’t stress that any more than I already have. My friends even told me that they thought I would give up on school because they saw a change in me, although they weren’t sure if it was for the good. That’s the good news, IT WAS for the good. God knows that my rigidity of the spirit would’ve not only caused my downfall and the downfall of those working around me. I’ve now learned that you need to be yourself in order to allow others into your life. If you’re not true to yourself, I don’t think it’s possible to be true to others as well as others to be true to you!

I got to hang out today with my sisters and girl cousins. They were funny as heck as always. They always know how to lift my spirits! We drank some starbucks coffeee, hence, why I can’t sleep! Anyway, I had a great time with them and hope to hang out with them some other time.

The one thing that is bothering me is my smoking. I caught myself craving a cigarette today and I am at the moment smoking. I really do wish to quit, however, I don’t think I want it enought because if I did, then I wouldn’t be smoking right now. I’m an addicted smoker and I think it may be that time to bring it up with my psychologis, Dr. Lane. He usually has the best advice for me and because of him I am a different person for the bettter.

My brother is drunk now and his snore is guiding the rhythem of my thoughts. I can’t stand snoring even though I probably snore myself. I just can’t stand it! Anyway, those are my random thoughts of the day! Catch ya laterz…

So I’m sitting in the garage reflecting on the days events and I realize that very often, about every night I’ve been in deep contemplation about my past. I usually try to think about the future, but lately it’s about the past. I know the saying “Don’t let your past dictate your future” but so of who I am is because of my past. My past has molded me to be who I am today? So, whats wrong with the past being a part of who I am? Well, obviously I didn’t have the greatests of experiences in the sense that I have done many things I regret. I was in a gang, I disrespected my family, I had no regard for older folks (which is a biggy in Samoan Culture) and I just didn’t click with what was going on around me. That continues to bother up to this day because I’m now at the point where I’m looking out for my parents and trying to prevent my younger brothers and sisters from making the same mistake. But then it hits me….”who am I to tell them not to do this, when i myself did it. Wouldn’t that make me a hyprocrite?” I realize that I am not the same person I was in high school, but that doesn’t mean that I am a totally different person.

On top of all of this, I’m dealing with one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever had in my whole life. I’m going through a process (which is probably going to literally be life-long) to try to seperate myself from my ego and at the same time trying to figure out my true identity which is a problem i always had during high school. The process can be exciting and motivating at times, but it gets frustrating too! It’s such a deep field that I even get fatigued from the constant “soul-searching” that I’m dong.

At this point, I’ve even picked up the cigarettes, which may seem like backtracking, but I look at it as a necessary experience that I can learn from. I think that my whole being new to the process of self-actualization makes me a bit anxious which is the reason for the cigs. Overall, I’m content with the direction I’m headed in, hopefully I don’t get sidetracked.

Jesus is waiting for you!

My first formation year is over and I’m taking the free time of my summer to reflect and try to reap the benefits of this first year. One important lesson that I’ve learned and am continuing to learn about is the fact that you need to be yourself. This is a problem I’ve always had since high school. I was so adaptive (or I wanted to be at least) to my surroundings, that I became like a sponge.

I absorbed everything around me without really taking the time to be critical of these things. This cost me dearly as I ended up joining a gang eventually leading to me ending up in a hospital. Thank God for deciding that it wasn’t my time to go! I woke up and my parents were there praying the one prayer we always prayed together at night; the rosary. Although I was fortunate to learn the lessons of living the “thug life” and still able to come out alive, I didn’t learn the underlying lesson which was just as or even more important than the first; I didn’t know who I was…

Fast-forwarding to now, I’ve come to realize that I can’t serve God being someone else. Whether God will’s me to finish my studies as a seminarian or not, I do know that he wants me to serve him as ME.

“Come just as You are”

Lots of times we get up so caught up in superficial things. We go so far into the air with different philosophies and theologies, but none of that matter’s if we don’t first know who we are and learn to accept that. God wouldn’t have made us who we are if he didn’t want us to be JUST THAT! My brothers and sisters in Christ, I invite you, YES YOU, to “Come, just as you are” to live out who you are to your fullest potential. To be serve God as YOU!

God is calling you to “Come just as You are”

I pray that this message touches you and inspires you to do just that.

May God Bless and Keep you safe!

-Van